I’ve been a bit slack in my duties as Curator of the Cosmic Lost and Found, so I thought I would bring you up to date on recent sightings. The first one comes from Anon. in Windhaven, Kansas, and I’m frankly skeptical about this one. Anon. reports seeing a pair of red shoes on Yellowbrick Road, in Windhaven, Kansas. Hmmm.
The next report was sent in by Kelsey in Charleston, S. Carolina. Kelsey reports seeing cupcake pan in the middle of the departure lounge at the Charleston airport. I love cupcakes; my personal fave is choc with marshmallow icing. Anyway, it’s apparently a 12-holer, but is not of the non-stick variety. Now I can see why someone might want to toss out their antiquated cookware, but surely not in the airport departure lounge. So I’m guessing this was the work of the Cosmic Cupboard.
Ken W. writes to say he has seen a pair of blue and yellow budgie smugglers in a drugstore parking lot in Smithers, West Virginia. He adds that there is no swimming pool anywhere near, and the closest beach is not within cooeee, so this looks like the CC at work again. It would be interesting to know the whereabuts of the fellow who lost them, especially if he was wearing them at the time.
I have received a disturbing letter from a lady named Tatiana, who doesn’t mention where she is from. Let me just say at the outset that I am not writing an Agony Aunt column here, but I feel I must try to respond to Tatiana. What do you think, Readers? Tatiana writes:
I have jus found a red and black lase thonk (I think she means thong) under passenger’ sete in my car. Do you think it cud be from the Cosmical Cubbord? Latelly my husband is smellink like perfum. Do you think he is havink another voman? My datter is only 7 and to young to wear a thonk and my son is 5 and is not havink a girlfrend yet.
First of all, Tatiana, the only perfume husbands smell like is Essence of Gymnasium or Essence of Brewery. I’m not a counselor, so I’m only going to say that it doesn’t sound like the cosmical cupboard to me. Talk to you husband. (You could ask to borrow his perfume.) MM
This morning on my way home from swimming, I noticed a mop – an ordinary household mop – alongside the highway. Now, ours is a tidy community, always conscious of roadside litter, and it has been raining lately, but I don’t think either of those things properly accounts for the mop. I’m thinking Cosmical Cupboard here.
I also spotted a running shoe. This is perhaps the most common sighting of anything, apart from sox in the clothes dryer. Although I always keep my eyes peeled for a one shoe off, one shoe on diddle diddle dumpling jogger, I’ve never seen one. So where do these single running shoes come from? I suppose one could have had a blister and had to take a shoe off — and you can’t very well sling one boot over your shoulder — but it does seem strange to me that these half-shod runners are never seen . . .
Reports of Disappearances
I should mention that my In-Box has been flooded with reports of Disappearances of glasses and car keys. Now I don’t wish to disparage these reports; I’m sure that they are made in a spirit of sincerity and desperation. However I also feel fairly certain that by now most of those items have been recovered. The reason for my attitude is simple: I have never seen evidence (and I’m betting the same goes for you) of glasses or car keys being in the typical odd location that characterizes the sightings from the Cosmic Cupboard. Keys and glasses seem to disappear easily enough without the help of the Cosmic Cupboard. At least they do at my house. MM